Embracing the Authenticity of Our Humanness
I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence. —Frederick Douglass
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I’ll never forget when my [therapist] friend said to me in the midst of a struggle, “Maybe it’s not authentic to you.” The notion that I didn’t have to contort myself to accommodate this demand was a new thought. Looking back on it now, it was a turning point in my life.
As a young therapist, I was struggling to implement a clinical intervention that was expected as part of a program I was working in. I felt frustrated with myself for not being able to do it, and I didn’t like how it felt. I hadn’t even considered that perhaps it was a bad fit for me and not a personal failing. I was struggling because it didn’t resonate for me as a clinician, and it wasn’t how I wanted to practice.
Some of us work or have worked in programs that require us to deliver services in a certain way. We are told what modalities we can and cannot use, metrics/quotas we have to meet, hours we have to keep, and often, are seeing too many clients in one day. It’s hard when, in order to keep your job, you have to comply with what’s expected. Unfortunately, there may not be a better choice, but a set of conditions to be met with little, if any room to bring oneself to the situation.
What does it mean to be authentic?
In an article entitled, The Role of Authenticity in Healthy Psychological Functioning and Subjective Well-being, Goldman and Kernis describe authenticity as “the unobstructed operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.” They further explain that authenticity has four components to include “awareness, unbiased processing, behavior, and relational orientation” (2002). Essentially, authenticity includes a self-awareness about our gifts and attributes as well as liabilities and shortcomings, and to the extent that we act in accordance with our own values. The opposite of authenticity would be to engage in behavior that is primarily defined by externally imposed goals and expectations. While we all have to comply to some extent to what is expected of us, perhaps the challenge is to find a way to bring ourselves to the situation, rather than just submit to it and become unhappy, which is what I did in my agency job.
Why is authenticity something to strive for?
Rivera et. al., (2019) found that “authenticity is positively linked to measures of subjective happiness, self-esteem, and life satisfaction” as well as relational satisfaction. They continue to describe that being authentic in one’s life promotes resilience, which helps manage difficult emotions such as loneliness, sadness, and anxiety (Rivera et. al., (2019).
To me, authenticity is the ability to see ourselves for who we are and be ourselves in the world, without having to make ourselves bigger or smaller, and without having to pretend to be something we are not. If I can be myself (authentic), I will have fewer mental health symptoms because I’m acting in alignment with my values, beliefs, and how I want to show up in the world. In other words, what’s on the outside is also on the inside.
In November 2020, I was at another tipping point in my life as a clinician. I was lacking confidence in myself and my delivery of EMDR, so I took an advanced training at The Center for Excellence in EMDR Therapy. It was during a period in my life where I was going to training after training in an effort to get as much information as possible, thinking that would make me feel more confident. Unfortunately, anyone who has been in a similar position knows that the answer wasn’t as easy as taking yet another training, but this training was different.
I was given permission to practice in a way that felt right for me.
The trainer, Deany Laliotis, was talking about attachment styles and how they inform and impact our relationship with our clients. She talked about the relational challenges for both therapist and client, particularly with clients who have complex trauma. Deany spoke openly about the importance of noticing countertransference, normalizing it because we all experience it (gasp!), and explained how we can use it to inform how we show up and how we respond.
Deany explained the importance of using interweaves in processing not just when a client is stuck, but also to facilitate their experience. Wow...I got to be part of it in a way that was more robust than what we learned in the Basic Training because I wasn’t just administering a set of procedures. Instead, she invited us to be curious about how we were showing up for our clients. I learned that I needed to be in it with my client not just for my client.
It’s not just about knowing, it’s also about being.
While I did not immediately feel confident in the way I was applying EMDR psychotherapy, I knew that this way of practicing made more intuitive sense to me. I discovered that my striving to be better and better was taking me out of myself and away from the reason I became a therapist. Deany spoke to my heart and reminded me that being the best therapist I could be requires me to be my authentic self.
How this applies to clinical practice and EMDR
Recently, I was in consulting with a colleague who was trying to sort out whether EMDR fit her practice anymore. She strayed from it over time, because the way she learned it didn’t feel authentic— it felt too manualized, rigid, and detached. We were able to find a way for her to be authentic with EMDR psychotherapy, by bringing more of what is truly to her, into the process.
Another consultee seeking consultation for certification reported she felt stifled by the protocol and had “taken liberties” within it. When we reviewed her therapeutic approach, she wasn’t straying from the protocol much at all; she was simply trying to be more relational, because that felt authentic to her. She learned that she didn’t have to choose between protocol and person. They go hand in hand.
Relational EMDR Therapy℠ feels right for me—it allows me to show up as me in session with my clients. When I am able to be me, and work in a way that feels right for me, my clients benefit. I can model for my clients that it is ok for them to be themselves, both with me and in the spaces they occupy with others.
“Maybe it’s not authentic to you.”
This statement has been with me ever since. Are you struggling with something or someone that doesn’t feel authentic to you? Perhaps it’s not a personal failing or flaw that you need to work harder at trying to master. It may be that you choose to leave a situation that no longer serves you. Maybe you will find your authenticity in whatever it is you are struggling with, either by owning it or letting it go.
Want to know for sure? Notice what it feels like in your body when you are in your authentic self...
Note: This blog was written a few months ago. It feels appropriate to add this addendum:
A lot of us have the privilege of having spaces in which we are able to let our guard and defenses down and be ourselves without any thought.
At this particular time, it’s important to be cognizant that many are lacking a sense of safety in this world. Fear and uncertainty are on the forefront for many. It's more essential than ever to have someone, anyone, a group of others, no matter how small that we can be seen, heard and understood. And, that we’re not alone in our experience.
Healing trauma through Relational EMDR Therapy℠ is much more than “just” targeting a memory— it’s about healing the whole person and helping them be in relationship to themselves, to others and to the world as it is. It’s not just about clearing the target, but also about co-creating a shared experience in the moment. And when we invite our clients to show up with us, it builds their capacity to bring themselves to the challenges that life inevitably brings to all of us.
REFERENCES:
Goldman, Brian & Kernis, Michael. (2002). The role of authenticity in healthy psychological functioning and subjective well-being. Ann. Am. Psychother. Assoc. 5. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/251802973_The_role_of_authenticity_in_healthy_psychological_functioning_and_subjective_well-being
Rivera, G. N., Christy, A. G., Kim, J., Vess, M., Hicks, J. A., & Schlegel, R. J. (2019). Understanding the Relationship Between Perceived Authenticity and Well-Being. Review of General Psychology, 23(1), 113-126. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000161